This is part of Help! Wanted, a special series from Slate advice. In the advising biz, there are certain eternal dilemmas that bedevil letter writers and columnists alike. This week, we’re taking them head-on.
Today’s columnist is Cody Rigsby, the popular Peloton instructor. His book, XOXO, Cody: An Opinionated Homosexual’s Guide to Self-Love, Relationships and Tactful Pettiness will hit the shelves in September.
We asked Rigsby to weigh in on scandalous affairs, one-sided feuds, and the aftermath of a breakup:
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I got married right after New York made it legal for same-sex couples. We’re a loving and compatible pair. A couple of years ago I found myself in a state of limerence with another guy—nothing happened, but it was exhilarating and I’ve been chasing that dragon ever since. I’m sure this sound obnoxiously passive of me, but I seem to be drifting toward some kind of dalliance. My husband—trust me—would never agree to that, so some part of me seems to be preparing to cheat. Am I insane? Is cheating always repugnant?
—Monogamized Up
Dear Monogamized,
Is cheating always repugnant? Yes.
This is coming from someone who has cheated on many boyfriends. I believe that honesty, communication, and trust in a relationship are so important, especially with someone you made a lifetime commitment to. I think this dragon you are chasing is the feeling of excitement that you truly only get at the beginning of a relationship or from a one-night stand. It is completely natural to have those desires, but before you go ruining the trust that you’ve invested 10-plus years in building, remind yourself of the special things that you have with your current boo. If you truly feel you can’t get over your want for nonmonogamy, I think it’s time to have that conversation with your partner, which might ultimately, lead you to recognize that this partnership is not meant for you. Just know that if you do move forward with that choice it will come with a lot of sacrifices. You’ll be letting go of a big investment.
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Dear Prudence,
I’m a male high school senior in my first-ever “real relationship” with my really cool boyfriend. We’ve been together for a few months, and I’m super obsessed with him on nearly every front. The only issue is that he really doesn’t like my friend. This friend is someone I’ve grown really close to because of shared interests in animation (something my boyfriend also likes, but maybe isn’t passionate about). This friend is pretty introverted and they’ve confessed to me how they want to become friends with my boyfriend. Meanwhile, my BF starts whining about them whenever they come up! I hate this situation.
My BF has said they just don’t mesh well, which is totally fine and I don’t want to force them to be friends, but he says stuff about them that feels just unnecessary. We both kinda talk crap about annoying kids in our school, but my friend hasn’t done anything to offend them! BF (mostly jokingly) tells me I should reschedule hanging with them and it makes me really sad, especially because the friend keeps talking about their own issues with being seen as an outcast. I’ve told BF to please stop talking about how much they dislike said friend but every time I have to mention them, he becomes visibly annoyed. I don’t want this to be a dealbreaker!! I really like him. And I can’t just stop hanging out with the friend either, I really like them too! This feels so weird and one-sided… What can I possibly say to fix this?
—One-Sided Frenemies
Dear Frenemies,
I’m going to be extremely honest with you: You are young and it’s very likely neither of these people are going to matter to you in four to five years. With that said, I always stick to the motto “chicks before dicks.” You should continue to invest in your friendship because they’ll probably be there for you when you need a good cry. If you and your current boyfriend break up when/if you go to college next year (where, by the way, you’ll find plenty of dick), your friend will likely still be there for you. If you want to maintain both of these relationships, take a hard stance with your boyfriend and let him know you won’t tolerate any slander of your friend, even if he’s joking. And if he really cares about you, he will respect that boundary. It seems to me like your friend is a delicate soul and could use your love and care. Don’t toss them aside.
Dear Prudence,
I broke up with a long-term partner earlier this year. It was after a lot of trials and tribulations in the relationship. The breakup was fairly amicable. I’ve got two issues.
There are pictures and other artifacts of our relationship EVERYWHERE. I don’t want to delete them (electronic pictures) or throw them away (prints, etc.). I took any prints that were framed out of the frames and have been unsure of a good way to preserve but put them away where I don’t have to look at them all the time. These are history and it’s my history too.
The second issue is related to the connections I made with his family and friends. I didn’t advertise that we broke up. I left that up to him to communicate what he wanted (he always got mad if I ever mentioned him on social media). So anyway, his whole family is still friends with me on Facebook. I love his grown kids, his father, and his sisters. Is it weird that we are still friends on Facebook, etc.? Do I have an obligation to let these people know we broke up? I kind of assume they know but my ex never communicated with his own family willingly.
—Respectfully an Ex
Dear Respectfully an Ex,
As your pictures and artifacts go, I think you should take the physical pictures and put them away in a box for probably the next year or two. I promise that these things that are triggering you in this moment, will one day, in the future, bring you a lot of joy. Once you process this breakup, the good memories will be the ones that last.
Even though you became close with his family and friends, the mature and respectful thing is to take space from those relationships. Your ex and his people will need to grieve this relationship, too. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to his people and letting them know that you really care about them, but that you will be taking space because you and your ex broke up and that you look forward to reconnecting when the dust has settled. Take time to really grieve this relationship with your ex and everyone in his orbit. You’ll need that to be able to start looking toward the future.
When Isabel Allende Was Prudie
Why does compromise in a relationship always seem to mean “You do what I want this time, and at some point in the future, I’ll do the same thing for you”? I know that’s a loaded question, but that’s how I feel. My fiancé and I have been bickering endlessly about stupid things that neither of us wants to give way on. However, it always gets thrown in my face that I won’t compromise, except that what he means when he says that seems to be doing what he wants.
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